Nominative determinism never looked so lumpy.
Everyone in Scaretown loved Halloween. It was their favourite day of the year.
Everyone, that is, except Mr Squeamish.
Mr Squeamish was a small quivering little man who wore a trembling bow tie and was scared of everything. Even his own reflection. He did not like Halloween at all.
Now, on this particular Halloween Mr Squeamish woke up with a very strange feeling. His stomach was bulging out and making a funny noise.
Not a normal gurgle-gurgle noise.
It was making a noisy WOOOO-OOO-OOF noise.
“Oh dear,” trembled Mr Squeamish. “I must have a ghost in my belly!”
He immediately scurried out the door to see Dr Helpful at the Scaretown General Practice.
The practice waiting room was very busy.
Sitting across from Mr Squeamish was Little Miss Wicked, dressed as a witch, coughing tiny green bubbles into a tissue and next to her was a giant Mummy who was complaining about spraining her ankle after tripping up on her bandages.
“Mr Squeamish!” called Dr Helpful cheerfully. “What seems to be the trouble today?”
“My stomach is haunted!” squeaked Mr Squeamish. “Listen!”
Dr Helpful put on his cold stethoscope and listened to Mr Squeamish’s belly.
WOOOO-OOO-OOF! went the stomach.
Dr Helpful looked serious. He then felt Mr Squeamish’s tummy and tutted.
“Well, Mr Squeamish, it isn’t a ghost”
“It isn’t?”
“No, you’ve got what we call a hernia.”
“I do?”
“Yes, and we give it a special name too, it’s called an indirect inguinal hernia”
Mr Squeamish almost fainted onto the examination couch.
“Do you have any private health insurance?” asked Dr Helpful.
“Only extras,” replied Mr Squeamish.
“Don’t worry” chuckled Dr Helpful. “I’m going to refer you to Scaretown hospital. They take their sweet time but if it gets any worse you must go straight to the emergency department, do you understand?”
Mr Squeamish left with his hernia and his referral, happy that there wasn’t a ghost in his tummy.
One month went by, then two, then three, and soon the months turned into years, and Mr Squeamish still hadn’t heard anything.
Five years later, on Halloween, Mr Squeamish’s tummy wasn’t just gurgly and bulgy anymore – it was painful too, and he felt hot and sweaty all over.
He remembered Dr Helpful’s advice and went to the emergency department.
The emergency department looked like the monster’s grand ball. There were skeletons waiting for x-rays, a werewolf holding an ice pack on his paw, and a group of drunk vampires complaining about the bright fluorescent lights. Well, it was Scaretown after all.
After a long wait Dr Cutter came in.
“Is it true?” whimpered Mr Squeamish, hiding under his blanket. “Are you going to feed me to the ghouls?”
“Not today,” laughed Dr Cutter.
He felt Mr Squeamish’s tummy. “Oh dear,” he said. “Oh dear, oh dear. Your hernia isn’t friendly anymore, it’s strangulated. We need to pop that cheeky little bowel of yours back in before it causes any more trouble.”
“Pop it back in?” shrieked Mr Squeamish. “Strangulated? Will there be… scalpels?”
“Yes, but you will be fast asleep,” reassured Dr Cutter. “You won’t feel a thing. You’ll wake up feeling brand-new Mr. Squeamish!”
While Mr Squeamish slept, Dr Cutter opened his belly and found that things were much, much worse than he thought.
Mr Squeamish’s bowel was all dead, it was black and had a big rotten hole through it. And worse still, all of Mr Squeamish’s breakfast had leaked out into his belly.
When Mr Squeamish opened his eyes, he was in a cozy bed. The pain in his tummy was completely gone!
Mr. Squeamish looked down. To his surprise he had a great big scar with lots and lots of staples in it. And he had a big bag stuck to his belly too. And the bag was full of thick creamy poo.
“What’s that!” shrieked Mr Squeamish.
“I’m afraid you have a colostomy bag now,” said Dr Cutter. “But be grateful, from now on, with your great big scar and your great big poo bag, you’ll be the scariest little monster in the whole of Scaretown”
The moral of the story: all good things come to those who wait. Unless it’s a hospital wait list, and then you could end up with a stoma bag.
