Olé, Olé, Olé.
As world cup fever grips the nation, expert pundit Professor Candid explains why a soccer team made entirely of GPs would be absolutely, catastrophically rubbish.
1. The Starting Lineup is Already Subbed Off
Let’s be completely honest, Team GP would kick off the match with only nine men, because the star striker has taken early retirement and the goalie just went off on extended stress leave. To make matters worse, half the remaining squad don’t even want to play soccer; they only laced up their boots because they failed the physical for their first choice of Aussie Rules.
2. Avalanche of Red Cards
While Premier League players can practically assault the referee and escape with a slap on the wrist, GP players would be red-carded and sent packing for the most minor infringements. Wearing the wrong laces? Red card. Passing the ball to a teammate without filling out the right forms? Red card. Within twenty minutes, those nine players will be whittled down to a lonely, depressed back-four.
3. Appalling Wages
Unlike the astronomical, eye-watering salaries of the likes of Messi and Ronaldo, Team GP would find their wages strictly capped by a ruthless board. Not only would any potential pay rise be locked well below the rate of inflation, but their actual take-home pay would depend entirely on a complex, shifting matrix of how many goals they scored, how many corners they conceded, and whether the manager’s blood pressure was adequately controlled at half-time.
4. The World’s Most Entitled Fans
The stadium would be packed, but not a single spectator will have to pay for a ticket. The public values their team so highly that they expect front-row, VIP season passes to Team GP for absolutely nothing.
5. Transfer Windows
When the midfield inevitably collapses from exhaustion, the manager won’t look to buy another professional football player. Instead, thanks to “skill-mix optimization,” they will transfer in a bloke who has watched a lot of Match of the Day and has a keen, enthusiastic interest in the game. He’s never kicked a ball but he has spent a weekend learning all about the off-side rule and he costs the club 70% less. Winning!
6. The Stadium is Literally Falling Apart
Year-on-year, reductions in funding mean the club’s stadium is rapidly going to seed. The pitch is bare, the seats are broken and the goal posts are held together with sticky tape. But don’t worry, the board has just blown the remaining budget on a new shiny green and gold corporate logo, so everything’s going to be just fine.
7. Mascot
Any self-respecting soccer team deserves a mascot and Team GP is no different, except their mascot is an inflatable scream which suitably reflects the acute pressures and existential crisis faced by the club and its players.
Come on Team GP!
