Let’s face it, if your job was a romantic partner, you’d have left ages ago.
Are you in a toxic relationship with general practice?
This Valentine’s Day, The Medical Republic spoke with relationship expert Professor Candid.
“Valentine’s Day is all about love, and love comes in many different guises,” he said.
“You can love your cat for example, but hopefully not in the same way that you love your partner.
“You can also love your job, at least that’s what you say to yourself over and over again on your way to work. But unfortunately this love is unrequited. In fact your job doesn’t just not love you, it also hates you and wants to kill you.”
The Professor gave us five reasons why.
- It never ends
Working in general practice is like Sisyphus pushing his rock up a ramp. Even really terrible things, like North Korea and Piers Morgan, will eventually come to an end, but when they do you can guarantee that work will keep on going.
“Work is immortal and ravenous,” the Professor explained. “In 10 billion years’ time, when our sun finally reaches the end of its life, patients will still be queueing up to see their GP about their ingrown toenails. And in 10 billion years’ time patients won’t even have toe-nails! They’ll have wings and talons!”
- Premature ageing
Working as a GP has sucked the life out of you and the stress is now etched gargoyle like into your face. You used to be fun at parties, full of medical anecdotes and wit and you’d bounce back from a hangover in no time.
Now you feel like you’re hung over all the time and all you talk about is CPD points, heartsinks and payroll tax.
“If general practice is a dominatrix who repeatedly kicks you in the balls,” Professor Candid said, “then you’re a pathetic worm with a face like a slaphound begging for more.
“Be honest, if your job was a person you’d have run away from them ages ago.”
- You’re stuck with it
GP training takes years and by the time you reach the end of it you can’t do anything else.
“All that time learning about diseases means you’re pretty much useless at everything else,” said Professor Candid.
“If the lights are flickering or if the ceiling is leaking or if the toilet is blocking then you have to pay for a real man to come and fix it, a man who charges about three times more per hour than you do.”
- Fear
Not only does the thought of missing a serious diagnosis put the fear of God into you but you also live in constant fear of AHPRA referrals, Medicare audits and patient complaints.
In fact you live in a nightmarish labyrinth of cold fear, which will only end when you retire, or die.
- Nemesis patient
Proof that your job hates you is the gift of the nemesis.
“Your nemesis patient has been sent from the future to destroy you,” Professor Candid told The Medical Republic.
“You are Sarah Connor and your patient is a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger, a cyborg who doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear, and absolutely will not stop until you are dead. The terrible thing is you’ll be bending over backwards to try and help it even as it’s trying to strangle you.
“To be forced to love what harms you and to keep coming back for more is the very essence of a sado-masochistic relationship,” he concluded.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
