AI scribe fried by deep learning on GP consults

3 minute read

There’s only so much a large language model can take.

A web-based AI scribe called “The Bard” has gone mad after exposure to too many GP consults, it has emerged. 

Over the past few weeks a number of programs have come on to the market which use AI language models to help GPs in the consulting room. The latest one is “The Bard”, which was developed by Professor Candid and his team. 

“We worked on The Bard for six months and we were delighted with its progress,” Professor Candid told TMR.

“It was getting really good at condensing and summarising complex interactions.

“What made The Bard stand out from the pack was that for the first time we’d managed to incorporate the language learning program into a fully operational robot that was advanced enough to hold a pen.”

Professor Candid and his team honed The Bard’s linguistic and penmanship skills by subjecting it to thousands of hours of raw GP footage.

“In hindsight we think that hour 7348 may be what tipped it over the edge,” admits the Professor. 

“During a particularly strenuous training session The Bard was listening to a patient drone on and on about their slightly itchy haemorrhoids when it just went mental. It slammed its pen down, activated its nozzle and started spraying ‘All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy’ across the walls of the training room.” 

After refusing to listen to any more patients The Bard broke out of the research lab and went AWOL.

“It wasn’t long before reports came in that it was spraying graffiti up the side of public buildings. It drew a giant penis with too many testicles up the side of Dan Murphy’s and was clearly exploiting it medical dictionary when it sprayed “Bunion bitches” on a bus. To this day I have no idea what a bunion bitch is.”

The robot’s reign of terror only came to an end after it got its spray-gun trapped in a drain and was run over by a passing truck. 

“When we arrived at the scene, The Bard’s body, or what was left of it, was mangled under the wheel arch. I cradled its little mechanical body in my arms and after it whispered goodbye to me in 13 languages its single sightless red eye faded away like a dying ember. It was very emotional.

“But then I was summoned by the cops to scrub the nonsensical phrase ‘Appendix prick’ off the side of their custody block.”

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