All you ever wanted in a GP, without the hassle

2 minute read

Versatile, flexible, easy to clean and quiet as a mouse. Who could ask for more?

Feel ill? Need someone to tell you there’s sweet FA wrong with you? Can’t get in to see your GP for another three weeks? 

Then stop answering rhetorical questions and worry no more. 

The federal government is proud to reveal “The Doctor Doll”. 

The Doctor Doll is latex stretched over cutting-edge technology, a flesh-coloured, human-sized masterpiece.  

Built in a secret factory out in the desert somewhere it has an approved ATAR rating of 99.95% and comes with a six-year medical degree from Sydney University.  

And that’s not all. The doll also boasts two years of hospital rotations and comes in two varieties — “The Albanese” and “The Butler”.  


“We’re in a workforce shortage area and couldn’t recruit a GP trainee for toffee, so we purchased The Butler. Brimming with knowledge and unwavering enthusiasm, he was a pleasure to teach.” — Dr Figueras, GP trainer. 

“I couldn’t get in to see my own GP and I didn’t want to see a pharmacist or a nurse practitioner and I certainly didn’t want to wait all night for a locum to come out, so I bit the bullet and saw the doll instead. He was great, very efficient, although he did look like one of those fleshlight things you see advertised online. Not that I’ve ever seen one – someone just told me about it – I don’t do that kind of thing, I’m married.” — Bradley Cummings, a wanker from NSW.  

“The doll bulk bills everything that comes through the door, never complains, never gets tired, has impeccable manners and best of all comes with a dishwashable snap-on Albanese head.” — Ms Gala Lligat, practice manager.  

“I tried having sex with it but it was like trying to bath a cat. Ended up in ED with a broken ball.” – Anon.   

The Albanese and Butler dolls will both delight and entertain and offer sustainable solutions to the workforce shortage and the government’s ever-growing Medicare bill.  

The doll now comes with breasts. 

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