Hello, is this the Undead Cat Consortium?

3 minute read

There’s been some confusion about what a UCC is, and that’s just the doctors.

The expressions of interest process for UCCs has broken down thanks to no one knowing what a UCC is or how it will be run.

Below is a sample of the EOIs South Australian and Queensland PHNs have received.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I’m writing to express my interest in the UCC position that has opened up in South Australia. I’m a fellow enthusiast and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how thrilling it is to squeeze into a tight hole! 
I’ve included a picture of me on holiday to prove that I’m up to the job.
Yours sincerely,
Jon Spielman 

Dear Jon,
Thank you for your expression of interest and for your photograph.
However, it appears that your letter of application was meant for the Underground Caving Club (UCC) and not the Urgent Care Clinic (UCC).
We wish you all the best in your underground endeavours and suggest that you forward any future correspondence to them.
Kind regards,
Adelaide PHN

Dear Sir/Madam, 
I’m writing about the expression of interest I saw called for on your website.
I have to say I’m totally up for being a UCC. My friends say I’m a master of disguise and I’ve been known to wear a fake beard and sunglasses for days at a time. I’ve attached my updated CV for your perusal and also a picture of me wearing my disguise. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours Sincerely,
Nigel Short

Dear Nigel,
I believe you have confused our Urgent Care Clinics with the Undercover Customers Company which also operates in South Australia. We thank you for your interest but suggest you contact their HR team directly as your skills are better used elsewhere.
Adelaide PHN

Dear UCC,
Howdy partner, there’s nuthin’ I don’t know about denim and cowboy boots, yeeee-hhaaaaaaaawwwww. I’d lurve to apply for your job y’all.
Hans Niemann

I’m not sure why you have written to us. We are not “Urban Cowboy Clothing”. In fact we have nothing to do with urban cowboys, or clothing. However, if you were to ever accidentally shoot yourself while dressed as an urban cowboy then please don’t hesitate to visit an Urgent Care Clinic.

Dear UCC,
What can you do with a bucketful of nuts and too much free time? Well, take a look at my latest creation.
I’m writing to see if I can join the UCC as I feel I have a lot of creative energy to give.
Beth Harmon

Dear Beth,
We are not Upcycled Craft Creations!! We cannot help you!
Best wishes,
Brisbane PHN

Dear UCC,
For the past 10 years I’ve been secretly donning my red nose and painting my face white, all the while thinking about “coming out of the closet”. So imagine my excitement when I heard that there’s now a group of like minded individuals in South Australia who are looking to recruit. Sign me up to the UCC!
Michael Adams

Dear Michael,
What the hell is wrong with you! We are attempting to organise Urgent Care Clinics! We are not the Underhanded Clown Collective!
Brisbane PHN

Adelaide PHN told The Medical Republic: “We’re obviously disappointed that nobody knows what a UCC is, but it’s still early days and hopefully it won’t be too long before the medical profession begin to understand what it’s all about.

“Then all we’ll have to do is tell the public … oh God …

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