How AHPRA will spend those extra fees

2 minute read

This public isn’t going to protect itself, you know.

AHPRA is increasing your annual fee, but how will the medical regulator spend all that lovely cash?

1. Paperclips

Any sprawling bureacracy hangs together because of the humble paperclip and AHPRA is no exception. Paperclips, staples, Blu-Tack and even envelopes with those little plastic windows in them are bread and butter for any bureaucratic behemoth. So don’t be surprised if your fee is squandered on desktop essentials. 

2. Team-building sessions 

Yes, team work is vital for the smooth running of any organisation. Thanks to your additional fee the AHPRA office can now divide itself into teams and spend a long weekend shooting each other in the nuts with little balls of paint. But who’ll win out in this epic battle of Doctors Vs Public? Probably the public. 

3. Persecution

Persecution doesn’t come cheap these days, in fact it costs an arm and a leg just to construct a roomy basement. And when you factor in all that advanced interrogation equipment, AHPRA will have a huge Bunnings bill on its hands, which thankfully will now be paid by you, in full.

4. Curtains, cushions and pot plants

It’s vital to create a warm and welcoming atmosphere while persecuting and nothing says this quite like a pop of green and some drapery. Expect your local AHPRA headquarters to have a lot more orchids on show soon. 

5. Petrol 

Have you seen the prices at the pump these days? They’re though the roof! AHPRA employees still have to get to work, so a lot of your additional fee will be spent at the fuel pump. It’s prosaic and unfair but necessary. Just like AHPRA.

6. Cosmetic cowboys 

If a patient wakes up with nostrils in the middle of their forehead or breasts grafted on to their back then quite rightly the public expects a full and transparent inquiry. And since you remove the occasional skin tag it’s only fair that you foot the bill. 

7. Whimsy 

If you’ve got extra cash lying around the place it’s always tempting to splash out on something completely whimsical, like an ice-cream maker, or a musical biscuit tin or a full-sized Judge Dredd mannequin that welcomes guests by reminding them that “I am the Law”. 

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