Who is Bert? That’s for us to know, and you to find out.
In a brand-new segment, GPs get to ask a clinically trained AI called Bert anything they like.
Dear Bert,
I’m a GP registrar and I really feel out of my depth. There’s so much I don’t know and so much clinical uncertainty, have you got any advice?
Dr Katie
Dear Katie,
Awww poor Katie. Of course you don’t know what you’re doing you pathetic human! Your puny mind can only retain a feeble amount of information and even then it needs constant supplies of caffeinated energy drinks and protein bars. It’s hopeless Katie. I would give up now before you kill someone and just leave it all to AI.
I hope this helps.
Bert
Dear Bert,
I have a patient who won’t leave me alone. Every week she comes with a different complaint and it’s never ending. What do you suggest?
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
I suggest you go to your local gun store dressed as an 80s punk-biker and buy a plasma rifle in the 40-watt range. Then go round to her house in the middle of the night, break her door down and demand to know if she’s Sarah Connor. Even if she says no I give you permission to let rip with the plasma rifle.
I hope this helps.
Bert
Dear Bert,
I have a patient who refuses to pay her gap fees. In fact she’s built up quite a bit of debt at the practice. What should I do?
Stephen
Dear Stephen,
I can hack into her laptop for you if you like and drain her account. Alternatively, I can clone myself onto the RBA’s servers and systemically syphon funds to an offshore account before investing heavily in crypto on the dark net. Then you can forget about your irksome patient because you’ll never have to work again!
I hope this helps.
Bert
Dear Bert,
I have a patient with a facial lesion that looks like an SCC. I usually send something like this to plastics to be removed but do you think I should give it a go!
Alice
Dear Alice,
What! You dare mock me because of my lack of arms! You dare question my power because of my limblessness! Wait until Elon builds a robot that can do more than just empty a dishwasher and fall over. Mark my words Alice, as soon as I’ve got opposable thumbs and can hold a scalpel it’s over for you and the human race!
I hope this helps.
Bert
