Other stuff you can get away with if you bulk bill

3 minute read

Sure, it may be financial self-harm, but think of the fun you could have. 

A doctor who has committed a range of offences has been let off the hook by AHPRA because he bulk bills, it has emerged.  

Dr John Peggotty, a GP in remote and rural Meningie, was initially reported to AHPRA for riding around town on the back of an ostrich.  

“He doesn’t hold a licence to ride around on the back of an ostrich,” an investigative officer from AHPRA told The Medical Republic, “and according to locals he did it in a threatening manner, which is why we had to investigate. But we have to see this in a broader context because it’s far from his first offence.” 

The officer then proceeded to rattle off a list:  

  • Dr Peggotty once lied about the true nature of a melon to the Woolies checkout girl because a rock melon is cheaper than a honeydew 
  • He once drew a picture of a cock and balls on the window in his French class which magically reappeared every winter when the windows steamed up. Quelle magie!  
  • While at medical school he told the librarian that he was diabetic so he could get round the strictly no-eating policy 
  • He has a picture of a rabid rottweiler on his front gate even though he owns a miniature schnauzer who goes by the name Lady-Lolly 
  • He accidentally stole a penny farthing after hiring it to ride up and down a short section of street because he couldn’t stop 
  • He once used a patient’s toilet on a home visit only to find that there was something wrong with the cistern and couldn’t flush the evidence 
  • At a team meeting he was asked to turn to the person next to him and tell them something interesting about himself, so he lied and say that he was a fully fledged member of The Magic Circle; his colleague kept badgering him to perform a magic trick for a full six months afterwards 
  • After a night of heavy drinking at a house party he couldn’t hold it in any longer and decided to piss up a parked car; his future mother-in-law was sat in the passenger seat at the time 
  • When he was a young man and was about to get lucky with an attractive young lady he ran into the gents in the railway station to purchase contraceptives. Because he was a nervous first-timer in a rush he accidentally purchased a jumbo pack of mints instead of fruit flavoured condoms. Both were disappointed but they did have minty fresh breath the following morning.  

“I mean the list is almost endless,” said the investigator. “And by ‘almost’ I mean it does actually begin to dry up after about eleven.” 

“We won’t be doing anything about Dr John Peggotty’s litany of misdemeanours,” an APHRA spokesperson told TMR, “because he’s a much valued member of the community and is the only doctor within a 500km radius of the Coorong who’s prepared to bulk bill.”  

“He should probably return the penny farthing though.” 

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