Top 10 people (not) to see about your health

3 minute read

Stay patient – a GP will make the list at some point.

The Labor government is committed to the idea that the last person you should see if you’re ill is your doctor. 

Here are Mark Butler’s top 10 suggestions of who you should see instead:  

1. Nurse practitioner. These highly qualified nurses will soon be flying solo – diagnosing and treating patients without the need for supervision. 

2. Pharmacists. Community-based pilots and trials are well underway and pretty soon they’ll have free reign to treat a variety of conditions including psoriasis, asthma and UTIs. 

3. Artificial intelligence. AI is here and progressing exponentially. There are plenty of open source AI apps around which can answer questions like: 

“Why is all the skin peeling off my c**k?”

“I’m sorry but your c**k request is in breach of our guidelines” 

“Why is all the skin peeling off my old fella?”

“Although chatGP2 could answer this question it is suggested that you take your dad to see a GP.” 

4. Vet. Your vet has seen been there, done that and got the T-shirt. And let’s be honest you’ve only got to go back 16 million years before you and your beloved miniature schnazuer share a distant cousin. How different can we be?

5. Your aunty. She’s not a doctor but by God does she think she is. When she’s not knitting or going to bridge club or spreading vicious rumours about her neighbours she’s offering high-quality medical advice to anyone in earshot. 

6. Games Workshop. That bearded guy from Games Workshop is a modern-day legend. He’s fanatical about painting little goblins and has a collection of miniature doors which makes him ideally placed to address all of your health concerns. 

7. Ice-cream man. Anjelo from Anjelo’s Ices wears a white coat, drives a van around and loves children. He’s like a dairy-free pope or a sub-zero flying doctor. Is your gout flaring up? Ask Anjelo and he’ll give you an ice pack! 

8. The local butcher. The butcher can carve up a carcass in no time. There’s nothing he doesn’t know about anatomy. Last time you went in he had a jaw bone poking out of his pocket and a flaccid artery draped over his shoulder. Butchers don’t just make great butchers, they also make great psychopaths and surgeons. Order a kilo of chicken fillets and ask him about your hernia. 

9. That dodgy guy without any teeth who’s always hanging around the wheelie bins at the back of “Cheap as Chips”. You’ve got a hunch he’s selling meth to high school students and he’s probably under police surveillance but grit your teeth, go over there and ask him what you should do about your swollen scrotum. Worst-case scenario is he gives you something for the pain. 

10. A GP. A GP is a professional who has spent their entire adult lives studying medicine. They’ve passed more exams than you’ve had hot dinners and they know way more about health and disease than you ever will, but unfortunately a GP is the last person you should go and see if you’re ill. 

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