Bring back gruel.
Food used to be great, it grew on trees and bushes or ran about the place on legs.
But now food is so artificial it can be found pretty much anywhere, inside vats, inside labs and even inside Aldi.
Prof Candid presents: What not to put in your mouth – a modern food guide.
1. Dinosaur chicken nuggets
It’s not chicken and it’s definitely not dinosaur. In fact, it’s gooey slop designed to encourage your kids to eat something other than crayons and their own snot. But these danger-nuggets are guaranteed to give your child a cholesterol of 9 and make their arteries tighter than a mouse’s ear. Definitely one to avoid.
2. Vegemite
No one really knows what a “Vegemite” actually is. Although some say it’s a type of algae that only grows in the darkest recesses of abandoned coal mines. Nevertheless, some simpletons still eat it, if eating is the right word, and almost all of them will end up dying an unnatural death down a coal mine.
3. A Big Mac with large a fries, BBQ sauce and a large coke please, oh can you make that two large fries please.
This meal deal contains enough energy to launch one of Elon Musk’s cock-shaped rockets into outer space. Ordinary humans don’t need this many calories and eating all this food will make you to start to sweat and hallucinate.
4. Monster
Unless you drive a ute, sport a mullet and go home to punch walls, it’s probably safest to stay away from energy drinks. What’s wrong with a triple espresso and a fat line of coke? That combo never did anyone any harm.
5. British section of the supermarket
This is definitely a section to avoid. The Curly Wurly is perhaps the most elaborate of all the chocolates but should only be eaten if there’s a can of Irn Bru on standby. The “British” section of the larger supermarkets contain ridiculously unhealthy relics of the past that only someone growing up in the 80s knows how to stomach. Chips and curry sauce anyone? Or how about some mushy peas and a hot cup of Bisto?
In this modern-day landscape of lurid, high calorie food it’s no wonder that a GP’s efforts to lower blood pressure and cholesterol and tackle childhood obesity can feel like a waste of time.
Cheesecake shop anyone?
