All hail Moloch, god of medical training

2 minute read

Doctors have been caught in the forest worshipping the terrifying Canaanite deity, the ABC reports. 

According to a forthcoming ABC documentary, doctors worship an evil deity called Moloch and burn heaps of cash in the woods. 

For its latest piece of investigative journalism the ABC covertly filmed a group of doctors gathered in the depths of Kuitpo forest near Adelaide.  

“I managed to sneak recording equipment in to the event,” an anonymous ABC journalist told The Medical Republic, “and when we got there it was all ossified cypress trees and pig blood. In scenes reminiscent of Bohemian Grove, I observed doctors wearing velvet capirotes shovelling piles of cash into what looked like a giant fiery owl. It made me want to wash my eyes out.”   

The doctors were also filmed chanting a lot of weird stuff about Moloch, in preparation, it is believed to propitiate the ancient demon-god with their offspring. 

Theologian Professor Candid told TMR: “Moloch first appears in the ancient book of Leviticus and was worshipped by the ancient Canaanites. By all accounts he was rather unpleasant and devotees were expected to offer their children up for sacrifice. I’m fully aware that children can be a little bit annoying these days – like demanding a Nintendo switch for their birthday or refusing to eat their dinosaur nuggets – but offering them up as an amuse-bouche to the insatiable jaws of Moloch is a step too far. 

“Moloch is now believed by many to be the deity overseeing junior medical careers. Nowadays you need a 99.95% ATAR just to get into medical school, and if that wasn’t enough you also need to ace your UCAT,  complete six gruelling years of competitive study and then live, breathe and eat your chosen specialty for at least another decade.  

“Forcing your children into medicine really is like offering them as sacrament to the reeking maw of Moloch,” continued Prof. “And when it’s all done and dusted the ABC can come along and train-wreck your reputation for the sake of cheap ratings supported by an even cheaper ideology.”  

Once the ceremony had ended, plates of canapés were handed round and there was a short presentation about ankle pain so that GPs could claim their CPD points.  

Medics and Moloch will air next month and is 100% true.  

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