Duck, bob, weave, write an email. All you need to know is here.
If you’re a GP, it’s only a matter of time before you get punched in the face. But how best can you defend yourself?
Here are Professor Candid’s top five defensive tips.
1. Ignore it.
Nothing sends a clearer message than turning a blind eye, by pretending that an aggressive drug-seeking patient hasn’t just knocked over your desk and taken the door off its hinges, they definitely won’t come back and do it again.
Besides, you can always get yourself another coffee mug, even if your daughter did buy it for your birthday.
2. Tersely worded email.
If an alcoholic patient threatens to shoot your family with a crossbow because you said he’s not fit to drive, try sending him a tersely worded email.
Remember to sign it off “Regards” rather than “Kind regards” to really hammer home how seriously you’re taking it.
3. A sign.
Try putting a nice sign in your waiting room with, “Please be polite to our staff” written on it. I mean we all know how effective a strongly worded warning can be – just look at the UN.
Make sure your sign can’t be easily ripped off the wall and used as a weapon. You don’t want to make it any easier for them.
4. Body armour.
If you’ve finally realised that nobody’s got your back and that the government and various organisations like AHPRA and the AMA have pretty much left you to fend for yourself then it’s time to strap on the body armour.
By going to work wearing more protection than a germophobe in a brothel you’ll be sending a clear signal to any potential assailant.
5. Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.
Turning to mixed martial arts is your final option.
You’ve probably listened to enough Joe Rogan podcasts to know that kicking the crap out of another human being is the most important skill you can acquire.
So next time a patient chooses to ignore the emails, the practice sign and the body armour and makes a lunge for you, you can always artfully grapple them to the ground and choke them out.
