It’s as easy as V.P.E.

2 minute read

Oh that’s lovely, you shouldn’t have.

In response to the funding and recruiment crisis facing general practice, the Labor federal government has announced voluntary patient enrolment.

TMR spoke to Professor Candid, an internationally recognised expert in a field of economics known as “money wasting”. 

“The only downside to voluntary patient enrolment is that there’s absolutely no one alive in Australia today who can explain how VPE works or how it will benefit patients,” he explained.  

“I’ve looked at the government’s proposals and I’ve listened to their arguments and I’ve read their website and press releases over and over again and I still have absolutely no clue whatsoever as to how this will benefit anyone. I’ve even read Holly Payne at The Medical Republic, and she’s the best! 

“It seems to me like the whole voluntary registration patient thing is just a complete and utter waste of everyone’s dosh.  

“In my capacity as expert money waster,” he continued, “I had various advisory roles in the UK’s National Health Service, and you may not know this but the NHS employs more people and owns more broken fax machines than the Chinese Communist Party and Walmart put together; and yet still manages to be crap.  

“But I don’t just use my skills in a professional capacity, I use them in my personal life too.” 

Professor Candid then went on to list all the things he’s invested in over the years that turned out to be a complete waste of money, including Rolf Harris’s wobbleboard, a commemorative Prince Andrew teapot and a range of cuddly Bill Cosby sweaters, all of which are now valued at below zero dollars. 

“If you want to know how to waste a tonne of money, I’m your man,” he said. “But hats off to Labor – they’ve managed to achieve something I never could, a ‘spherical’ waste of money. That’s a waste of money no matter which angle you look at it from.”

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