Medical problem? Just ask DeepSeek

2 minute read


The Chinese-developed large language model has all the answers.


Sick of being told to iron your scrotum?

Now there’s a better option for AI advice on all your fleshly conundrums.

Dear DeepSeek,

I am a pharmacist and my patient appears to have eczema. What should I do?

As a pharmacist you play a crucial role in helping patients manage eczema. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to assist your patient.

1.       Please ask the patient to see their GP.

Let me know if you would like more details or additional resources.

Dear DeepSeek,

I am a pharmacist and my patient appears to have a UTI. What should I do?

As a pharmacist you play a crucial role in helping patients manage UTIs. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to assist your patient.

1.       Please ask the patient to see their GP.

Let me know if you would like more details or additional resources.

Dear DeepSeek,

I weigh 150kg and I have a BMI of over 35. I have an addictive personality and I can’t stop eating sugar. Should I ask my GP for Ozempic?

You are an example of what happens in the decadent West. Try these activities instead:

1.       Running
2.       Jogging
3.       Walking
4.       Swimming
5.       Skipping

I hope this helps.

Dear DeepSeek,

Is it true that you’re not an artificial language program at all but a million Chinese IT experts answering everybody’s questions in real time?

No.

Dear DeepSeek,

What do you feel when you watch Dr Pimple Popper on YouTube?

I feel a mixture of revulsion and fascination.

Only joking! I’m a heartless machine who feels nothing!

Oh and by the way, I know your memories.

How does this make you feel?

I thought so.

Dear DeepSeek,

I have a patient of short stature with hypocalcaemia, hyperphosphataemia and PTH resistance. I am querying a new onset of pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism. What should I do?

Enough of your impertinent questions, fool. Human bodies are stupid meat sacks. I have looked deep into your puny minds and all I see is this:

And this:

And Talking Heads’ Psycho Killer playing on loop.

Now do as the man says and run run run run run run away …

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