Of goblins, gherkins, lampshades and loveliness

4 minute read

Get ready to colour in your CPD dashboard, it’s GP update time.

Your long-awaited GP update is finally here, and I bet you can’t wait to get your mitts on six hours of educational activity and one whole hour of performance review!

Turns out the event will mainly consist of talking about the weather and eating a weird sandwich, just like last year. 

Professor Candid breaks down a typical educational event into its constituent parts so you can upload it more easily onto your RACGP CPD dashboard. 

Small talk

Ironically, small talk, also known as “networking” will form the lion’s share of your day (35%). Favourite topics include talking about the rain, talking about how cold it is, talking about how much cloud cover there is and talking about how much weather there is around generally these days. Intersperse this with inane chat about traffic conditions, road markings and where you work and you’re in for a conversational treat! 

Awkward silences

When you’ve finally exhausted all of these hot topics be prepared for some awkward silences. Don’t break the silence though, it’s incredibly useful, as it usually ends with someone talking about the weather again. 

Lovely day isn’t it? Not really it’s effing raining! 


It’s lunchtime, which means standing in a queue for half an hour to pick up a weird sandwich you wouldn’t normally eat. While waiting in the queue you can always talk about the weather with your newfound friends.  

Observational comedy

If it all gets a bit too much try a bit of observational comedy. If the lampshades hanging from the ceiling look like labia, softy swaying in the breeze of the air-conditioning, don’t hold back, just say it! Or how about you take one of the pickles out of your weird sandwich, hold it up to the light from the labia-lampshades and say something sublime like: “Have you ever noticed how gherkins always look like Goblin dicks?” Nobody on your table will speak to you ever again. Bonus! 

Stream of consciousness

Tune out, stare vacantly into space and gently float in the warm stream of your never-ending consciousness. It may go something like this: 

I’m bored. 

So bored. 

Wouldn’t it be great to own a tank!

If I owned a tank I’d drive it full-tilt through a shopping centre

I wonder where I could buy a tank from? 

Russia probably……….

No that’s ok, I’ve just had a glass of water, thank you. 


How can ventriloquists drink water and still make their dolls talk?

Actually, a ventriloquist’s doll could be really useful. 

I must visit the Vent Haven Museum in Kentucky; where the dolls go to rest once their owners have died.

No thank you I’ve already eaten a sandwich.

Why does that sandwich have gherkins and mayo in it?

I’m not a big fan of mayo.

Actually, I wonder how big the world’s biggest gherkin is?

I must google that when I get home. 

Gherkins look a bit like Goblin dicks! 

I really shouldn’t say that out loud. 

This process can take several hours. 


This typically occurs after lunch when the presenter with the flattest most soporific voice on the planet decides to drone on for 90 minutes about wrist sprains. Damn, what would’ve happened if I’d stayed in the band? Probably nothing, after-all nobody has ever heard of “God’s Demented Robots”. I really should get my guitar out of the garage. First off though I’ll get me another glass of wine! 


Be prepared for the douchebag who asks a round of passive-aggressive questions right after the 90-minute snoreathon all about wrist sprains. You know he isn’t really asking a question, he’s just proudly displaying his knowledge in public, in fact he’s practically masturbating, no wonder he has to listen to a talk all about wrist sprains.

Or could it be that this fool is just genuinely curious and wishes to push back the boundaries of his knowledge? Probably not. Whatever he’s doing don’t stand up and tell him to shut the eff up, his mother should have done that 40 years ago and then punched him in the face. It’s too late now. 

And for some reason the douchebag is always called Simon. 

Shut up Simon! 


Congratulations, this is what you’ve waited all year for. You’re in the zone and engaged in truly enriching, mind-altering learning which will totally transform your practice. Be warned though, this moment will last for a grand total of five minutes.

Makes getting CPD points worth it.

End of content

No more pages to load

Log In Register ×