It’s like no one wants to get off their arse and die of diphtheria these days.
In a bold move designed to restore traditional American values, president Donald Trump has announced that all childhood vaccines will be phased out and replaced with an excruciatingly painful death.
“People were much healthier in the past, much healthier, because they were allowed to develop their natural immunity to things like the plague by drinking sludge-water laced with rat piss,” the president said from the oval office.
“Under my plan, every patriotic American will be free to die a wholesome, excruciatingly painful death from a perfectly preventable disease like tetanus or diphtheria. God bless America.”
Medical experts have expressed concern over the shift in White House policy.
Immunologist Professor Candid told The Medical Republic: “By reducing the number of childhood vaccinations from 18 to 11 the president is phasing out evidence based medicine and replacing it with medieval whimsy.
“But quite why we’re expected to follow the advice of a man who looks like an ageing He-Man cosplayer is beyond me”
Trump has already stated that he will not be attending the funerals of children he has killed because, “dead children in little coffins don’t make very good photos”.
More to come.
