Say hello to your friendly new vape peddler

2 minute read

Goodbye skeezy tobacconists, hello white-coated professionals.

Vapes were once only available from unpleasant shops, but soon you won’t even need a prescription to get them from a nice pharmacist.

For nice middle-class drug addicts, the move will transform their experience from this:

To this:

Melbourne mother of three Melanie Watkins told The Medical Republic: “I used to get my cherry-flavoured vapes from Danny who ran a shop called Jack the Vaper. Then one day the police came, tasered the living shit out of him and closed his shop down.

“It’s good timing – my three-year-old was starting to get really fascinated by all the colourful bongs and lighters.”

Now, thanks to the federal government, people who vape can queue up in respectable outlets, the same brightly lit, well-regulated outlets that dish out other harmless substances like endone, fentanyl and nitrazepam.

“I think providing vapes at the pharmacy is a good move,” continued Melanie. “I mean, pharmacists are all about health and wellbeing, aren’t they? And what could be healthier than sucking plumes of strawberry-flavoured mist deep into your lungs?

“It’s a brave new world. Pretty soon you’ll be able to buy poppers and crack from the chemist as well. I can’t wait for my children to become teenagers!” 

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