Skin potion purveyor wants us to turn the other cheek.
When it comes to flogging batshit crazy self-care products to gullible punters at eye-watering prices, your Back Page scribbler remains dumbstruck by the offerings of Oscar-winning actor Gwyneth Paltrow’s goop.com.
Be it a paltry 30ml of Youth-Boost Peptide Serum flying out the door at a $US150 ($AU211) a pop, or the hard-to-ignore “Viva La Vulva” vibrator (a snip at just $US98), or even the “Psychic Vampire Repellent Spray” (not making that up, it’s yours for just $US27 a bottle), Madam Paltrow has seemingly perfected the art of separating fools from their money.
So it brings a tear of patriotic joy to our eye to learn of a homegrown, true-blue Aussie contender stepping into the ring with a product offering of such breath-taking preposterousness it almost puts Goop to shame.
Take a bow, Sydney’s Eaoron company, for your innovative skincare product designed to allegedly do for one’s butt what other skincare products allegedly do for one’s face.
Leaving little to the imagination in the naming department, Eaoron’s “Firming Butt Essence” claims to “bring the language, ingredients and ritual of advanced skincare below the neck in a daily capsule-and-serum system”.
The essence comes in capsule form and is presumable popped open and smeared on the hindquarters each day (not inserted suppository-style as we first presumed, although we suspect that method might prove just as effective).
So what’s in this magic botty potion, we hear you ask?
According to the makers, it’s formulation of vitamin E and hydrolysed collagen to “support a plumper, conditioned skin feel”; caffeine, soybean extract and fibronectin “included for a firmer appearance”; a peptide complex and wild yam extract to “support the sculpting focus” (whatever that means) and a blend of rosehip, jojoba, wheat germ, sweet almond and sunflower oils to help “smooth and nourish the skin”.
Sounds good enough to eat!
The company’s CEO, Fernando Rodriguez, was keen to position the product as an alternative offering for consumers who were worried about their backsides but couldn’t, or didn’t want to, go down the surgical route.
“Not every Australian wants, needs or can afford a surgical procedure to feel more confident,” Mr Rodriguez said in a media release.
“Firming Butt Essence … is about supporting the look and feel of the skin at home, without pretending a topical product is the same as surgery.”
Which is perhaps why the bum gum is priced at $89.99 for a pack of five dozen 0.5ml capsules.
Far be it from us to question whether this is a fair price to pay to attempt to defy the ravages of age and gravity, because we’re just probably a bit of tight-ass.
Perhaps the last word should go to one of our all-time favourite comedians, Billy Connolly, who replied to a heckler with the following observation: “When God put teeth in your mouth, he ruined a perfectly good bum.”
Sending story tips to Holly@medicalrepublic.com.au will help her get to the bottom of things.
