And Professor Candid would never be caught dead eating a pear.
In a rare interview, The Medical Republic speaks with Professor Candid.
Prof Candid is perhaps best known for grafting a cow’s udder onto a co-workers back.
TMR: Thank you for taking the time out to speak with us today.
PC: You’re most welcome.
TMR: This week we’re running a feature on daily routines, looking under the bonnet of doctors daily lives as it were. How do you like to start your day?
PC: Well, let me see. I usually rise from my slumber at around mid-day, if at all, sometimes I forget to set my alarm you see, and then I sleep right through.
TMR: OK…
PC: And then I usually begin the day with an avocado. Well at least I did until my wife pointed out that an avocado is actually some kind of bastard pear. Anyway, after breakfast I enjoy a big pot of tea, some cuddle time with Mr Tiddles and then I make my way to the practice.
“Some people like pears, some people like avocados. This is the sorry state of the world we live in”
TMR: Who’s Mr Tiddles?
PC: He’s my cat, my good time boy, my little furry soldier. Sometimes he can be a little naughty though!
“Oh Mr Tiddles, you shouldn’t take a shit on Mrs Candid’s favourite cashmere sweater!”
TMR: And what about exercise?
PC: What about it?
TMR: Do you do any?
PC: No, the last time I exercised was back in 1992. I was trying to sprint away as fast as I could from an Oasis concert. It was a horrible experience let me assure you. One I’m keen not to repeat.
TMR: And what do you have for lunch?
PC: Well, my go-to is high protein Greek yoghurt, with raspberries, blueberries, passionfruit, guava, plums, boysenberries, strawberries, passionfruit, oh hang on I’ve said that, dragon fruit and some other kind of fruit.
TMR: Really?
PC: No. I usually have a pot noodle. And smoke a cigarette for dessert.
TMR: Have you ever tried to give up smoking?
PC: No. Although one day I did decide to try to have a complete day without tea. And I was quite shaken. I was quite disturbed.
“I once went a whole day without tea. I was shocked!”
TMR: What do you really look forward to in the day? What really gets you going?
PC: Well, in the evenings I like to design my own T-shirts.
TMR: Wow, ok.
PC: Yes, my latest T-shirt has the line ‘If rage-bait baits rage, what does rage-bait-bait, bait?’, and it has “I’m a master baiter” written on the back in capital letters.
TMR: I see…
PC: But sometimes I can get quite philosophical, for example I once designed a T-shirt which reads ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, if you eat all of them you get really fat and all your teeth fall out’.
“I’m a master baiter”
TMR: Should we ask you anything else do you think, is there anything we’ve missed out?
PC: To be honest I can’t remember.
