Medical degree, shmedical degree. Who needs that, am I right?
Alternative medicine is a great alternative to getting better, it has emerged.
The Medical Republic spoke with alternative medicine expert, and all-round shaman, Professor Candid.
“Homeopathy was invented by a German in the eighteenth century after he discovered that rich people are a bit thick,” Prof Candid told TMR.
“And for some reason modern, well-educated Australians still use it, despite the fact that real medicine was invented ages ago and is readily available to everyone.”
Prof Candid practices an ancient made-up technique called Universal Vital Energy, or UVE for short.
“I have a thriving UVE practice” continued Prof.
“Admittedly, it’s in Melbourne.
“And my technique involves a lot of pot plants, soothing bamboo music, and lots of unnecessary curtaining.
“When the patient – or should I say the client – is ready to part with their cash, I place my hands on their head and if their energy field vibrates to the sound of the Indian ocean I give them a sticker to put in their window.”
Prof is against any form of industry regulation or standards.
“What we do is ‘complement’ what real doctors do, not replace it.
“If you develop a melanoma with mets I suggest you see an actual oncologist and don’t treat it by smearing mustard on your arse and eating bird seed.”
