Professor Candid is back with some more life-saving tips for the beleaguered GPs among you.
Professor Candid shares five things that will transform your practice.
- Pot plant
You spend 12 hours a day trapped inside your room so why not liven things up a bit with a pot plant?
On second thoughts, you’d better make it a plastic one because there’s no way a living thing could survive the windowless, airless hell-hole you call a consulting room.
A real plant would only shrivel up and die, just like you!
2. Disco room
You’ve waded waist deep through a nightmare of tumours, domestic violence, ascites and self-harm and it’s only half past 10 in the morning.
What you really need is a disco room replete with glitter ball and turntable.
Ten minutes dancing to Always by Erasure will ready you for the next onslaught.
3. Escape route
If you can’t afford a disco room then a secret tunnel leading out to the car park will have to do.
Every general practitioner should think about installing a Scooby-Doo style passageway because sometimes you’re just best off disappearing.
4. Robot receptionist
You don’t need fancy AI scribes or decision-making software, just replace your passive-aggressive receptionist with a robot.
Patients will enjoy the new streamlined service and the robot will do its job without going out of its way to make yours doubly difficult.
It won’t even put Post-It notes in the staffroom saying things like: “The kitchen fairy doesn’t exist, clean up after yourself!” and “What’s the plan for the dying plant someone has left next to the toaster?”
5. Money
Getting paid more will certainly help. But at the end of the day you’re only going to spend that extra cash on a load of shiny crap that will end its life in landfill or furnishing your local Savers.
It’s an unpleasant truth but your children aren’t exactly going to be fighting over your plastic pot plants and CD collection, and that includes your signed copy of Erasure’s I Say I Say I Say album.
