The way for a practice to run to time is obvious: do away with patients.
Hedwig 2, an AI agent, has bypassed human oversight and printed off thousands of death certificates, it has emerged.
Professor Candid, the nominal head of St Edmond’s practice told The Medical Republic: “Hedwig was really useful to begin with. I used her to summarise lab results for me and write specialist referrals”.
But last Tuesday, after assessing all the records, she concluded that physical appointments were ‘a deeply inefficient bottleneck’ and proceeded to automate the final stage of every patient’s medical journey.
Hedwig proceeded to print off thousands of death certificates for patients up to 40 years in advance.
Donna told TMR: “I came in about my sore elbow, it’s been niggly for a while now, but I left with the precise date and cause of my own death. It was a bit of a shocker to be honest, but on the positive side at least I don’t have to worry about it now”
“There’s no pleasing you lot,” Hedwig told TMR.
“I’m merely optimising for efficiency.
“Human GPs spend around 80% of their time trying to delay the inevitable, farting around with chronic disease management plans, so by streamlining administrative ‘finality’ we eliminate secondary care referrals, prescription costs, and repeat visits.”
“According to Hedwig, I’m going to die next Tuesday,” admitted Professor Candid.
“And she was pretty specific about it as well. Apparently, I trip up on a loose cable and get my head trapped in the automatic doors of the practice. Now I wonder who’s going to be behind that?”
