The thing that killed Shelley Winters? I don’t think so.
The Medical Republic asked cruise expert Professor Candid why you should never go on a cruise.
1. Viruses
If a liberal dose of coronavirus, norovirus and hantavirus isn’t enough to put you off going on a cruise then nothing will. In the future, airless cruise ships will incubate several novel strains of virus that will make mpox and Ebola look like a walk in the park.
2. Scurvy
Thought to have disappeared in the 15th century, this illness is making a bit of a comeback. If you’re stuck at sea for three months and eat nothing but chips from the all-you-can-eat buffet then you’re sure to develop a dreaded case of the scurvy.
3. Fellow cruisers
Being trapped on a prison ship with a self-entitled arsehole called Roger who enjoys talking about his recruitment company may be enough to make you throw yourself over-board. Cruises can clearly be detrimental to your mental health.
4. Sea sickness
Being stuck at sea, pounded by five-metre-high waves in a windowless container, will have you crawling on your hands and knees through lukewarm vomit wishing you’d never been born.
5. Pirates
Pirates are generally bad for your health, especially if they have a hook for a hand and force you to walk the plank. Unless you’ve been forced to sit next to Roger, and then it may come as a bit of a blessing.
