Five technologies set to revolutionise medicine

3 minute read

Patients and paperwork getting you down? There’s a tech remedy in the pipeline!

TMR has an exclusive peek at five inventions that are sure to take some of the pain out of working in general practice.

1. The mannequin

Do you keep putting off paperwork? Are you dreading those lengthy DSP and workcover reports which are sat in your pigeonhole? If so, worry no more.

The mannequin is a game-changing device. It uses AI to complete all your mundane admin tasks and allow you to leave the practice at a reasonable hour.

After work the mannequin likes nothing better than to kick back and relax with a 17th-century wig, ruff and decorative hand-mirror.

2. The isolation helmet

Have you had enough of people talking to you all day?

Then just put on the isolation helmet and be freed from the world and all of its cares for as long as you like. With surround sound and protective metallic visor the helmet is impenetrable and no one, not even the most insistent heart-sink, will be able to break through. 

3. Path-lab pigeon

Are you sick and tired of having to request hospital discharge letters? Are you fed up chasing those all important lab results which the RMO should have looked at before your patient was sent home? If the answer is yes, then the carrier pigeon is for you.

She comes fully trained and with a five-year warranty.

Get the discharge letters and pathology results you deserve!

Just don’t overfeed her because she might shit corn all over your keyboard. 

4. Placebo cushion

If there is absolutely nothing wrong with your patient and yet they still refuse to get better, then why not harness the power of the placebo and ask them to sit on this, the placebo cushion!

Made from velvet with hand-stitched royal insignia, the placebo cushion is guaranteed to re-energise the patient and alleviate their symptoms whenever they sit on it.  

5.  Unrealistic expectations detector (UED)

Wouldn’t it be be great if a siren went off every time a patient demanded something unreasonable from you? Well now it can!

The portable Unrealistic Expectations Detector sets off an alarm system every time it senses an unreasonable demand.

What’s that? You want an MRI scan of your entire spine because you twinged your back during pilates? And you want blood tests to rule out cancer? And you want me to bulk bill this 35-minute consultation because you’ve got a lot of outgoings this month?

Sorry but you’ve just set off all the alarms!

Wire your patient up to the Unrealistic Expectations Detector and never waste your time or energy ever again! 

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