How to diagnose people you’ve never met

2 minute read

This pastime is only getting more popular in this bumper year for political clowns, cretins and crazies.

Politicians are everywhere these days and diagnosing them can be great fun, even if you’ve only encountered them through the media!  

So why not take Professor Candid’s political quiz and see if you can guess the correct diagnosis? 

1. Donald Trump  

A. Narcissistic personality disorder   
B. Cluster B traits  
C. A ball of orangey smugness fired through a blond cobweb 

2. Joe Biden 

A. Frailty 
B. Neurocognitive decline 
C. I’ve only gone and pissed the bed again, Jill! 

3. Anthony Albanese   

A. PSA 4.9 
B. Cholesterol 8.7
C. Your LFTs are slightly up, we’ll check them again in three months 
D. A depressed cowboy

4. Peter Dutton  

A. Expelliarmus 
B. Levator labii superioris alaeque nasi 
C. Dear god, no 

5. Keir Starmer 

A. Yawn 
B. I’ve had more interesting noseblows than this 
C. The bloody pies are bloody old 
The bloody chips are bloody cold 
Bloody beer is bloody flat 
Evidently chicken town  

6. Marine Le Pen   

A. French 
B. Racist 
C. French racist wrapped in a blood-soaked tricolor screaming for the forced deportation of “tous les migrants”   

7. Nigel Farage  

A. Pronounced “garage” 
B. Proud to be British 
C. Chummy flag-shagger 
D. Also pronounced “twat”  

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