Paediatric acupuncture gets green light

2 minute read

If spinal manipulation doesn’t fix your infant, show them the needles.

Sticking needles into babies is completely fine, it has emerged.

The Australian Board of Acupuncturists has released a statement saying that it’s perfectly okay to lightly stab babies as it’s only slightly more dangerous than chiropractors performing spinal manipulations on children under the age of two, which just had another, albeit brief, moment of legitimacy.

Amelia, a six-month-old from Melbourne, told The Medical Republic: “I had a touch of colic the other week. Nothing a spoonful of Infacol couldn’t sort out, but my mum, who does a lot of yoga, took me to see her acupuncturist instead.

“Before I knew it some mad woman with dangly earrings and a head scarf had shoved a pair of needles into my thighs. Well, I just let rip. I’m not proud of it but I screamed blue murder and projectile-pooed on to the therapist’s kaftan. She then had the gall to say to say that this proved she’d cured my colic!”

Alternative medicine expert Professor Candid told TMR: “The evidence for acupuncture’s effectiveness in babies as young as Amelia just isn’t there.

“However, a comprehensive review of the literature does suggest that the more made-up an illness is, the better acupuncture seems to work.

“To give you an example, I once had a tingling sensation in my neck which went away as soon as a therapist stuck a knitting needle through it.”

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